9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
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Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.