Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

ㅤ