Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

Brilliant!

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.