Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Stick it to the man

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes