9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
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Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.