Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Have a lovely day 😊

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

This kinda thing happens to me often

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.