9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
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Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Breaking news:
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.