9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
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*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
The news
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.