9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
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What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
neighborhood watch
Good morning!
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy