9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
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Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
m’lady
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.