Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Feels like the fourth month in January

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.