9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
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No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person