9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.