Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

◾️

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.