Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.