9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
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the zen of frog
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Whoa… oh I see lol
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.