9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
channeling her this year
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*