Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.