Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

A ghost story

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”