9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Stop being racist to kettles.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.