9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
You Might Also Like
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
