Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.