9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night