Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man