9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
😂🍻
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”