9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Pretty much. 🤣
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”