Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Pretty much! 😂👀