Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.