Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

who’s gonna tell her?

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.