Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.