Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

What’s the point buying it then?

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.