Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

The fall of Netflix

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun