Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.