9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
All right then, keep your secrets
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
A recipe for laughter
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What