I’d do the same thing
9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!?
Yo, evolution: You missed one..
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mom: do the dishes
me: i cant im ugly
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.