@AristotlesNZ

9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!?

Yo, evolution: You missed one..

You Might Also Like

@aotakeo

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

@Dutch_50

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

@Molly_Kats

The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
FRIEND: What

@YourMomsucksTho

I might be a 42 year old woman but i identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

@SarcasticSadOne

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

@RickAaron

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

@IvoryGazelle

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

@ElleOhHell

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).