If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
You Might Also Like
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.