inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!?
Yo, evolution: You missed one..
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“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.
ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
I might be a 42 year old woman but i identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).