Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.