9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.