9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
You Might Also Like
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything