Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

unbelievably distressed by this ad

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.