Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

listen closely

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

I can’t wait!