9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*