9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
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My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.