9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.