Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Check your privilege

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir