Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

Mmmm canned fish.

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues