9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Awwwww shit.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
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Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs