9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
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My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Basically, any European coat of arms:
Ha.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes