9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
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I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy