9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
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My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Confused owl: What?!
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
For those that worship cheese..
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me too door. Me too.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
