9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed