Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

I feel seen.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped