9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Nomnomnomnom
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
fired
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.