Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse