daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!
me: you know that’s not true, Patsy
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives