cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
me at the job i begged god for
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
What legos do when we’re not looking.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
shakira sharkira
