If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
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Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Had to try this trend 😊
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling