Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Hey i am sexy to you now

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

The absolute effort that went into this omg

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”