At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.