Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I love the National Park Service.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation