Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

honestly, i need both:

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

THIS HEADLINE

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only