I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
You Might Also Like
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Encore…
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”