do u think theres a butter planet?
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Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots