My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Oops 🤭
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”