The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.