Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.