When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
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On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.